


From Middle Earth With Love

by Addiejomo



Category: The Hobbit
Genre: BOFA is amazing, Blame bilbo, F/M, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, THEY ALL WANT THAT D, What Was I Thinking?, one shots, smut everywhere, unbelievable smut, why can't I live in middle earth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-09 10:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3245483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Addiejomo/pseuds/Addiejomo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a series if The Hobbit oneshots<br/>Go easy on me, smut is not my territory... Neither is writing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. ESCAPE! (Fem!Bilbo/Thranduil)

"My Lord Thranduil has requested your presence." An Elvish guard unlocked her cell door. She was led through a series of halls until she was deposited at the throne room. Thranduil had his back turned to the short hobbit. Bilbo took a step towards the elf who raised a hand.

"Hello, Bilbo Baggins of The Shire." He said rather coldly.

"Didn't need a full title but okay." Bilbo dropped her voice to a whisper. "Dickfuck, fucking fucknuckle dick..dick-dick."

"We have these ears for a reason..... May I kiss you?" He turned and gracefully stepped towards her.

Bilbo was severely confused. "Really? I mean, I just called you a dick-dick.. Like, aren't you just a little bit pissed? I would be if you-" she was cut off.

"Shut up."

"Okay."

"So...." Thranduil lifted her hand bent to kiss it, he darted out his tongue and licked her finger. "may I?"

"Well of course, I was just wondering if you wanted to." Bilbo stuttered.

The elf knelt to her level and brushed the long hair from her face. Bilbo let out a long shaky breath and nodded.

Thranduil leant in and kissed her, a long, slow kiss. They wrapped their hands in each others hair and moaned as it got hotter. Bilbo scrunched her hands further into Thranduil's hair and threw his crown on the throne. The elf only scoffed and grabbed her hips.

"Take off your clothes, I'll be back" he muttered against her lips.

He walked out of the room and said something to a guard with a grin.

~:~

Thranduil sat on the throne with the halfling straddling and kissing him.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" Bilbo hissed, bouncing up and down on the elf's dick. "Fuck me harder, fuck me harder, fuck me harder, fuck- YES! YES! YESSSSS!"

She collapsed onto Thranduil and panted heavily. Slowly she pulled away from him and found her dwarfish attire. She then went back and sat on Thanduil's lap, snuggling into his cloak.

"Well, you seem to have enjoyed yourself, you whore!" A bound Thorin Oakenshield intruded their party led in by two elves.

Bilbo fell of the throne with shock, she looked between the two leaders. Thranduil laughed throatily and Thorin growled in response. The elf waved a hand at the guards, who left, and stood. 

Bilbo sat, waving her arms in the air. 

"Traitors don't deserve my help." Throin said coldly.

Thranduil extended a hand to the hobbit and lifted her into his arms, kissing her softly on the nose. Thorin them death stared all the while.

"Yes, well. Ignorant shits don't deserve mine. I'm not indebted to you Thorin and I have no prejudice against elves, nor should I." She turned to Thranduil and kissed him. "Thank you."

As they left, Thranduil touched his lips and smiled after the Hobbit.

The words "she slept with that fucker!" Followed by a whole noisy commotion were heard all throughout the kingdom.  
~:~

"I am afraid I may have to cut off Thorin's balls." Bilbo announced from her cell to no one in particular.

"Why? You're the one who slept with an elf." An opinion was voiced from above her.

"Because it's my junk and I should be able to use it without being called a whore. And if all of you weren't so stupid you would know that I was trying to do a thing called bargaining!"

A sigh sounded through the dungeons and mutterings of, "oh yeah!" And "bloody hell, Thorin!" And one "poor thing.". 

A guard came in and Bilbo slipped her ring on. The guard panicked and opened the door to check she had actually gone and Bilbo slipped around him.

~:~

"I am glad we are out of there" Thorin said as they all sat on the rocks. "And I'm sorry a called you... That. Also I'm sorry you used your body for our sake."

"Nah, it's fine. Though technically it does make a whore. It's okay, I enjoyed it." The last part kind of came out before she stopped herself. Thorin just stared at her.

"I uh, I mean he had a nice.. Like it was big and um... Shit," She fretted under his gaze. "Don't stab me."

"You really are something special, Bilbo Baggins." He chuckled at her so she laughed along when he wrapped his arm around her.

They sat in silence, watching the sun set for a while until Thorin spoke again. "So how big was it?"

"Like," Bilbo put her hands out in front of her. "That big? Maybe bigger."

"That is big."


	2. We Don't Need Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do they really need words.. Non explicit sorry all you smut thieves.

“You seem quite taken by the Elves, master Baggins.” Filli’s voice shook Bilbo from his thoughts.

To be perfectly honest, Bilbo was more taken by Filli than anything else and was just trying to look at anyone and anything other than him. His eyes had followed elves, examined structures and fixed to the floor but never did they so much as flicker over Filli. Which annoyed the dwarf to be frank. He was trying his best to get Bilbo to look at him but he refused to look even acknowledge him. If he is intentionally doing this, Filli thought, he is doing a very good job.

“hmm? Oh, yes, I suppose they are quite graceful and elegant. It’s a shame your people don't get along.” Bilbo nonchalantly flicked his hair back. They were sitting in a garden in Rivendell, Killi had made them spend some “quality time” while the others were preoccupied. So much for that. They’ve barely spoken the whole time.

Filli thought on this as he plucked a blade of grass from the earth and wove it between his fingers. “Let’s not do this, Bilbo. Small talk, I mean.”

Bilbo didn’t catch on.

“Listen, Bilbo, I really like you. Can we just try this? Don’t bother with words, just passion.”

“Filli, I…. You know what? Who cares, lets do it.” Bilbo threw his hands up around Filli’s neck and kissed him hard.

So they did. And continued to for another month or so. Until Dwalin found them in the woods.

“Ah cem out heh foh eh bloodeh pess en ah find yeh en her’ fuckin’ lek bloodeh rebbits.” 

(A/N translation: “I came out here for a bloody piss and I find you in here fucking like bloody rabbits.”) 

Needless to say they were all mortified by the situation. Even more so when Dwalin told Balin who told Gloin while Ori was hiding in the bush listening, who told Killi, who told everyone. They were even more embarrassed when Thorin personally addressed them. By personally, I mean addressed them in front of everyone.

He said, “We have a dragon to kill and a mountain to reclaim and we don't need anybody complicating this quest with their need to fu- fraternise…”

Killi was obviously shuddering with laughter along with Ori. When asked, by Thorin, what they were laughing about he could barely contain himself. 

“Do you think Bilbo meant to scale Mt. Bone instead of the Lonely Mountain? Is that why he signed the contract.”

And Thorin obviously couldn't stop himself either when he said, "I think they're the same mountain."

Even Bilbo had to admit that was smooth.

Later that night Filli and Bilbo had a chat.

“Maybe this was a huge mistake. We should have talked, not just gone for it.” Bilbo put his hands behind his head and stared up at the shy.

“Don’t say that, Bilbo. We went for it and we got found out. It didn’t mean we didn’t have fun.” Filli replied and wrapped a strong arm around Bilbo and pulled him closer.

“This is true”

‘And maybe,’ Bilbo thought, ‘just maybe, Filli was right from the start. Maybe they didn't need words.’

And with that, Bilbo could be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so yeah.
> 
> Kudos much appreciated. love you guys


	3. Oh Would You Look At That- Incest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Tis common knowledge BJ's make everything better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES, TIS TRUE. I HAVE SUNKEN TO A NEW LOW-- INCEST!

Hands gripped at hair and lips connected with hot skin. Passion screamed through the brother’s veins as they reached their climax together. They lay together for a long while after, tangled in the sheets, playing with each others hair and talking about trivial things. It was a fine evening for it.

“We should probably go back before Ma starts to come looking for us.” Fili mumbled against Kili’s chest, smiling contentedly. The younger Dwarf rolled his eyes and huffed.

“You’re such a drag brother,” He laughed, “but I suppose you are right. As usual.”

They crawled out of bed and collected their clothes from the floor. With one arm occupied with garments, Fili wrapped his free arm around the younger brother’s waist. Kili wrapped the white satin sheet around their naked bodies and leant in for a kiss. Fili gladly accepted the gesture and groaned loudly into the kiss. His brother smacked his shoulder and shushed him.

Outside, Dís put her ear to the door. 

“Stop, you're going to make me hard again.”

The mother gasped at the words. Calmly, she walked to the other end of the hall and then back to the door, opening it this time. She was not prepared to see her sons wrapped in a sheet, naked and kissing heatedly. The young Dwarves jumped and covered themselves, eyes wide with shock and embarrassment.  
 “The kitchen. Now.” Dís spoke slowly, with rising anger. “..And put some clothes on.”

Thorin saw his sister march past with determined anger, then the two boys looking shamefully at the floor. He noticed the usual intertwined hands now awkwardly placed at their sides. Whatever this was, it was beyond bad.

Once in the kitchen and was sure it was safe to speak, Lady Dís positively exploded. “Are you fools? You know it is wrong, and I have taught you better than this! And how inconsiderate! Did you stop to think about what would happen if this got out? The ruin it would bring on our good name? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??” She screeched at the the two boys. “You are not children, you know better? Have I raised you wrong? And you Fili, you are eldest. No doubt you led your brother to believe that this was okay. That it is another game.”

“You will not speak to my brother like that!” Kili protested, standing from his chair and knocking it to the floor with a crash. “I do not care that you see this wrong, or that it will stain the name of Durin. It was never a game, I love him and he loves me. So do not tell me that this is a game.”

“Do not speak against your bearer like this— I loved and raised you!” Their mother screamed back, slamming her palms on the table.

Kili let out a harsh, mirthless laugh. “Love? What would you know of love? You are cold! No blood runs in your veins. I would not expect you to understand love.”

“You are naive.” She shook her head.

“You are cold!” Kili yelled, levelling with his mother. Fili remained seated and silent, not wanting, nor daring, to say a word.

Dís looked between the brothers with a face of disgust. “Leave my sight. Now.”

Thorin stood against the door, listening intently. Not completely understanding though. What could be so bad that Dís would not let them be with a simple scolding? Especially when they were leaving tomorrow. What could be beyond forgiveness at this point in time?

He stepped back as the two brothers left the room with tears staining their face. Thorin nodded solemnly at them as they marched past. All they could do was bow their heads in shame and continue down the hall.

Later they sat in silence. A thick and uncomfortable silence that worried Fili to the core. This was a troubling silence. Kili sucked in a breath and gained his courage. “We cannot continue this relationship. I love you, but this is wrong.”

“It is only wrong to them, naddûn, My love for you cannot be explained with words.” Fili stood to level with his brother.

“I love you too, Fee.” 

“Then don't do this. Let me love you.” Fili was pleading with his brother, effectively switching the role of older brother to younger brother.

Kili whimpered as he put and arm around his brother, resting their their foreheads together. “I’m sorry.” He let the tears flow freely for a minute.

“We can’t go back if you do this. Can’t be normal.” Fili pointed out to Kili.

“This never was normal though, was it? We were never normal. We were just us.. which turned out to be wrong.”

Tears slipped from Fili’s eyes as Kili turned and exited the room. He flopped on his bed and wailed shamelessly into his pillow. The bed was empty and cold, and held no comfort.

~*~

 

Dís sat at the kitchen table with her head in her hands, sighing heavily every few minutes. Thorin stood wordlessly in the doorway.

“Did I raise them wrong?” She looked up at her brother with fresh tears pricking her eyes.

Thorin rushed to her side and put an arm around her, rubbing circles on her back as she cried into his shoulder. He couldn't help but wonder what could have been so wrong. He grabbed his sisters shoulders, looked in her eyes and shook her lightly.

“If you want this problem fixed, you must tell me what happened. I heard you all shouting before.”

“I cannot tell you.” Her chin quivered again. It must be really bad, I haven't seen her cry in an age, Thorin thought to himself.

“Yes you can.” He prompted cautiously, patting her shoulder.

“Then I will not tell you.” She gestured for Thorin to leave. “I would be alone now, goodbye.”

Thorin slipped out of the door and stopped short in the hallway. Kili was shutting the door to his room quietly. They young Durin also stopped at the sight of his uncle.

“Oh Kili,” Thorin breathed. “you look terrible.” There was truth in this. Earlier that day he wore his usual grin and perfect hair. Now he looked defeated. Tears streamed down his face and his hair was a mess.

Kili ran to his uncle who wrapped him in a solid embrace. Kili felt limp and skinny in his uncle’s arms- and maybe he was, but that was not how he remembered his nephew. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Kili shook his head violently at the offer.

Thorin left Kili in the lounge room with a cup of fine tea and a blanket to wrap around him. He continued to Fili and Kili’s room where he found the elder brother violently tugging at his hair. He was trying to undo the braids usually tried at the back of his head. Not the braid Kili would put in— he would never take that out.

He looked up at Thorin, looking worse than Kili did, crying. “Kili usually does this for me.”

Thorin kneeled on the bed and slowly undid the mess Fili had further created by trying to release the braids. He undid the metal clasps he had given Fili as a coming of age present. Quickly undoing the first braid, he decided to ask Fili what had happened.

“I do not wish to speak of it.” He shook his head, flipping the second braid from Thorin’s hand. 

“I thought that much.” Thorin huffed a laugh and untangled the last braid. He picked up a loose braid from Fili’s head, hidden under some hair. “Do you want me to get this one?”

Fili’s head whipped around, “Don’t touch that one!” He cried.

Thorin nodded, stood and exited the door.

“Well that raises more questions than it answers.” He muttered tiredly.

~*~

Once Kili thought Fili would be asleep, he moved to his room. He slowly opened the door. The candles were out but the light casted from the doorway revealed Fili’s figure hunched over with his head between his knees.

“Oh Fee.” Kili could only say to his brother.

He slid between the sheets of his brother’s bed and urged Fili to do the same. He eventually relented and also slid between the covers. Kili wrapped an arm around his brother and sighed. He knew neither of them would sleep if they weren't together.

 

~*~

The next day they awoke early, before the sun was barely up. 

Fili, forgetting the previous night, littered Kili’s face and neck with kisses. The young brunette was still asleep but knew what was happening, he met his brother’s lips. Fili slowly ran a hand down between the sheets. Slowly, painfully and agonisingly slowly. He met the waistband of Kili’s briefs and slipped a hand inside. Kili’s head pushed back against the pillow and he let out a long sigh. Fili slowly ran a hand down Kili’s length.

Fili had remembered by now what had happened the night before. He didn’t care though. He would continue to love his brother for eternity. He continued to pump Kili as he roused from his sleep. 

“Nah..no.. No, F-Fee! Stop!” The young brother protested without much conviction. Fili increased his speed and force, enjoying the fact Kili couldn't help but love it. “Are you sure you want me to?”

“Fuck. Yes, um… No! I changed my mind, don't stop.” Kili kicked and laughed.

“I didn't think so.” Fili grinned. He upped the anti once more and pumped his brother harder.

“Finish me with your mouth, brother.” Kili grunted. Fili winked and slid down the covers. 

It didn't take long for Kili to finish. Fili licked and sucked at the brunette, lightly scraping with his teeth. That was enough to make Kili throw his head back and wail in ecstasy.

“Oh, naddûn.” Fili whispered to his brother afterwards. “Are we okay now?”

“Yes. I love you, Fee.”

“I love you too, Kee.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah sorry
> 
> I used Khuzdul (Darrow scholar dictionary)  
> naddun-brother

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, hope you enjoyed.... All that....stuff.


End file.
